My new song Change!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uRBj7HxRzxk&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Feel Like Breaking Down! :'(

I honestly don't know what to say..... Well I guess I can start off with how as of late a lot as been going through my mind. Not good stuff either may I add. I try to put all this negativity in the back of my mind but it seems to keep surfacing. My nightmares consist of Michael dying (in car accidents) and I'm left alone to face and world and struggling really bad. Can't forget to include how before the nightmares. I would see things on my Facebook about death. Then all the sudden after these dreams Michael would have car troubles. It's weird it's like death is trying so hard to take him but God is saying no. It's confusing and scary. Now, I'm left to worry about him every time he gets in his car and leaves. The other dreams are about past choices I've made that I am not proud of and deeply regret. It's like watching a replay of my life. Sometimes in these dreams I see things playing out differently which causing my life going down a different path. Other times my dreams are about people I've lost due to my stupidity and not being a good person. Missing them... wishing things would be different but I wake up knowing nothing will ever change which brings pain to my heart (to the point I can't breathe). It makes me hate myself more than before. So bad to the point I want to cut myself off for the world to prevent myself from hurting more people I care about. It's like if I had a time machine I would go back in time and leave a note for myself so I wouldn't make the mistakes I've made in life. Not only that to help others around me to so they can try to better their lives. Heck sometimes I wish I could restart life over and forget this life and somehow manage to remain a loner to avoid hurting others and myself. Or I can just simply forget it all. Not only my dreams been eating me alive. Things lately hasn't been going so good. There is a lot of arguing not only with Michael and I but with everyone else. Though most of the things are just petty stuff. I honestly don't know how long Michael and I can keep doing this. Its either we are gonna cut ties off with people who have been pissing us off lately. Or Michael and I break up and I go back to my dad's with Haren. Don't get me wrong I love Michael to death and would want nothing more to stay with him and continue our little family. 'But sometimes I don't know anymore. I wish things would be easier but all I can do is hope and pray things will get better.

Vlog #1

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZsQEkwqMXhY&feature=youtube_gdata_player 

OK I messed up and said Haren was 21 1/3 in long when he was actually 20 1/3 in long.

Music...

Well lately I've been kind of snooping on a old friend's YouTube page listening to the music they've been posting. Which I love one of their songs called Old Days. It's a song that everyone can relate to. It pulls at your emotions and really gets you thinking about life. Not only that, I have their song stuck in my head (I will admit I have caught myself either singing or humming it). It has inspired me to not only do better in life but to write music again. I miss sitting down with my guitar and writing lyrics down on a piece of paper. It was a good outlet for me. It helped me cope with my emotions in a healthy way. Through my writing its has also made me realize a few things too. It was like opening a door to who I really am and changing that person for the better. Writing wasn't only therapeutic for me. People were also able to relate to my music. Which made me feel like I was making a bit of difference. Well... I'm gonna go and take of my son. He needs to be burped. :3

Better Days!

I finally got out of the funk I was in. I feel better mentally and emotionally. I need to remind myself to not hold onto the past or it will destroy me. I need focus on the present and look forward to my future. I need to worry about taking care of Haren and being a good role model for him. Be the person I want him to grow up to be. Kind, forgiving, regret and guilt free, hopeful, smart, funny, careful but caring, peace maker, protector, strong will, independent, social, helpful, generous, selfless, honest.... and happy. Not only be a good role model. I must teach him life lessons I've picked up through my years. Most of all be there for him. He's my sunshine. My relationship with Michael has gotten better. He has more control on his anger. He is more open minded and less controlling but he'll always be protective. Not only he changed for the better. I have too and we couldn't have done it without each other. I feel blessed in my life and I shall never forget that. On Feb. 16th is our 2 year anniversary. I can't wait to see what Michael has in store for me. So far, for my birthday he got me a Reggie purse and a tablet. This Saturday he is taking me out for my birthday dinner at a Asian restaurant. I wonder what I'll get for Christmas. Soo much excitement! Ugh can't wait to marry Michael. Then I'll be Mrs. Armstrong!! My life is slowly falling into place. I can officially say I'm happy. Though it would be nice to have friends to spend time with. Oh well... If I have friends from my past wanting to patch things up. I'll gladly accept them back into my life... With caution though.... Just to be on the safe side. I don't want to get hurt. I will be on the look out for new friends too. I'm serious about who I let into my life. I have a son and I'm too old for drama. Well, singing off. Bye!

Losing!

How many more people I care about I'm going to lose? I tired of this happening. It make me feel like crap. What makes it worse is when I didn't do anything wrong. Makes me wonder how important I really am to them. If I'm even worth it enough to keep around. Its like I'm cursed or something. Am I suppose to be loner or what? Is there something about me I don't see. I know I've lied before but I've changed that. All I ever do now is try to help people but it never works. Am I not doing enough for them? I just want to stop losing people close to me but I don't know how to end it.

Trying To Forget!

You what bugs me the most, is thinking or even dreaming about someone you are trying to forget or already have forgotten. There has been one person in particular, I can't stop dreaming about. It's like when I think I've forgotten about them. They pop up in my dreams like a parasite reminding me of the things that was said and done between us. Not only that the dreams are things I know that would never happen. At first in my dreams, we got into a fight with Michael and their fellow friends being there. Then after that, each dream has consisted of us making up and being best friends like old times. I don't know what any of this means.... Like do they think about me? Do they or I miss the friendship we once had with them.... Or if they or I wish things never happen the way it did... Or that they or I wish we could be friends again??? Do they even have the same dreams as me? I don't know and I wish I knew the answer to it all. I just hope these dreams I have of them ends eventually. I'm tired of being reminded of how bad I screwed up. 'But I guess it is what I deserve, right?

Haren Ademaro Armstrong! :)

Haren is of now; a month, three weeks, and three days old! He's getting so big!!

 

 

Daddy and son!

 

Feeding from boob lol.

Having a good dream. He's probably dreaming about boobs. haha

Getting aggressive with feeding off of boob lol. XD

Binkie!!

Mean muggin'.

Mr. Happy

 

BIG SMILE!

Cat (Aries) sleeping with Haren.

Mr. Smiley! :)

"MMM?"

"What are you doing mommy?"

Look at that tounge!

Mr. Curious



Hospital Pictures!!

Haren's birthday is 09/26/2013 and the time he was born at was 4:09pm.



Haren sleeping after being weighed, poked my nurses, and fed.

Epidural made mea little loopy but I hated being paralyzed from the waist down.

Michael's mom Cheryl was there from the start but had to leave shortly after Haren was born to go back to Cali.

Michael and Cheryl posing next to me while I was in the process of pushing Haren out.

Before I had to push.

Michael and Haren. Michael ended up crying. :)

Me holding my son before I ended up feeding him.

Look at meh belly it so big!

Michael and I posing together.

Haren weighed 7lbs and 5 1/2 oz.

Poke the belly!!

 

Grandma holding Haren.

Look at him! He so cute!!

Me smiling for picture.

Haren was 201/3 in long.

At The Hospital!

Well, I'm over due... I was suppose to go into labor on the 20th but my son doesn't want to come. So, I'm gonna be induced. They had to bring me in to give me medicince to dilate me further and thin out my cervix wall more. Basically, to prepare my body for labor. Once the medicine has done its job which it would be Thursday morning. They will begin inducing me. Hopefully, he comes Thursday night or Friday morning. Before, Michael's mom has to go back to Cali. The doctor did tell me inducing can take up to 24 hours. Longer than going into natural labor. So, again fingers cross he comes out before his grandma leaves. My experience in the hospital so far has been interesting and a bit funny. Having to take a crowded elavator. Getting lost in the hospital. Went pee before I got a room and found out I had to pee in a cup. So I had to squeeze out last bit pee I had left. Getting a IV stuck in me was no fun but I'm a trooper so I took it like a man by distracting myself lol. Also having someone in your vagina kind of hurts but the contractions I'll be having tomorrow will be worse. I did experienced mild cramping since they put the medication in me.... Oh and Good Samaritan is awesome. You can watch tv, movies, play games, and get on the internet here. So I'll be able to distract myself from the pain with the entertainment they provide. Gawh, I'm so excited to see my son. Wish me luck! Oh and I'll post pictures when I get the chance. Bye for now.

3 days till FRIDAY!!

My son is coming this Friday!! I'm so excited that I just want him out already but sad reality of that is. He won't come out till he is ready. Blah! Haren you're a butthead but I still love you though. Welp, I got a lot of stuff to do to prepare for his arrival. I still got to get a few odds and ends to get. I got to wash his clothes and other items. I also have to set up his things. Hopefully, I can pull this all off with little time I have. Well as long I have family to help me it shouldn't be a problem. I can't wait because I know once he come he'll change my life forever for the better. Not only that, things would come together perfectly.... well I hope. :/ Not sure what the future holds for me since... well yeah I think you got the picture... I think..... I love you son and can't wait to greet you into this world. See you soon!! Hopefully, things don't turn out as bad as I think it would.... I don't want to lose you, your dad, or anyone else. I've already lost many other people I wish I didn't thanks to my stupidity. I don't want to lose anymore. I don't know if I could handle it so well.... Let's just hope it's not the end of me. I'm gonna go I'm too freaking depressed now that I'm just gonna cry my eyes out. Like anyone really cares or even reads my stupid blog. I might end up deleting this blog again. I don't know when I'll do it but I have the feeling I would. Night Haren... Mommy loves you.

8 More Days To GO!!

Yummy BROWNIES!!!! LOL I'm excited September 20th is getting closer. My son is getting ready to enter the world. I've dropped more and I can defiantly feel the difference. I even started to finally get stretch marks under ma belly. Also the past few weeks he's been making me crave more sweet stuff. I seriously feel fat thanks to him lol. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I can't wait to hear my son's heart beat again. Oh I got myself a cell phone. I'm happy about that even though its a old used phone. I know most people would prefer a new phone but I'm just glad I get to communicate. Especially, with my future husband/baby's daddy when we are apart. No more having to ask to use someone else's phone. Thank you Michael's mom for getting me the phone. I defiantly owe her for this.... Hopefully, I'm able to repay her. Chocolate milk and brownies go good together. :) Gawh, Haren why you make mommy fat for? LOL Haren Ademaro Armstrong GET YOUR BOOTY OUT OF MA BELLY!! I wanna see you already and hold you and love on you by giving you kisses. :) I can't wait!! See you soon son!

Update from 7 weeks!

Three weeks and two days to go which means I'm 37 weeks! I've already experienced false contractions aka Braxton Hicks Contractions. I'm excited that my son's due date is getting close. Oh the problem about I had, about which three people can be in the room with me has been solved. The three people that would be in there is my mom, Michael's mom, and Michael himself. Hopefully, there won't be any problems during labor (referring to me and Haren). Well I've been under a lot of stress lately because things have gone horribly wrong. I'm not going to go into detail but I would only say is that it could affect my son's life in a bad way. I wish this never happened but I was stupid enough to let it. Moving on because this subject is seriously depressing and the more I think about it the more I don't want to live. Well um Fin my kitten is doing good. He's growing (gotten bigger since I had him) and he's very playful. Not only that he is very affectionate. He loves to cuddle when sleeping and he tries to give you kisses (it feels more like nibbles). I love Fin, he's one cool kitty. I'm living between my mom's and my dad's place while Michael stays with his ex step mom all because of circumstances. Ugh, I've recently cut Alissa's (my 5 year old niece) and Alesha's (my 14 year old sister) hair. I didn't do a bad job at all it kind of actually looks like a professional did it. Oh yeah speaking of Alissa... she starts kindergarten this year. I'm excited for her and I even been teaching her how to write her name. She got every letter down except for the letter S. She keeps making something like this ~ lol. Just a vertical squiggly line. At least she got most of her name figured out and I'm proud of her. Tomorrow, I have a doctors appointment and after that I'm going back to my dad's. Then Saturday Michael, me, my dad, my dad's gf, and my brother are suppose to go fishing. After that I'm going to the WEBN Fireworks Sunday. So I'm going to be busy for these up coming three days. Also Michael keeps talking about how he has something special planned for me. I wonder what it is and can't wait to find out. So, I'm going to enjoy every moment I have before the worse happens. I'm even going to pray every minute through this tough time I'm facing. Well this is all I can think of to type. I know people are thinking I'm a horrible mother... well a horrible human being. I'm believing it myself and I just want to disappear off the face of the earth because of it. I'm tired of this life... but I can't give up because of my son. Okay, I seriously need to distract myself from this subject. I don't want to make myself feel even more worse than I already am. I'm just going to post this and get off here and do something that will distract my mind... like a movie or whatever.

7 more weeks to go!! :)

Gawh, I can't believe I'm 33 weeks and be turning 34 weeks tomorrow (8 months). My baby bump is small that it doesn't even look like I'm 8 months pregnant. It looks like I'm more 5-6 months. Pregnancy for the most part has been easy for me surprisingly. Only thing that sucked was having morning sickness and acid reflux. Other than that, I've haven't really showed any other signs such as swelling and back/leg pains. Only things, I have to do for the remaining time I have before September 20th. Is to collect more baby stuff, set up a place where he can rest his head, prepare myself mentally/emotionally/physically, and just take it easy. Which wouldn't seem like much but to me it is. I worry that I won't have all the baby stuff I need or place to put his bed. I know I shouldn't stress myself out but I can't help it. I've always worried myself over stuff. It's in my nature so to speak and I don't know how to stop myself from stressing. Anyways, by tomorrow instead of it being 7 weeks to go it would be 6 weeks. I also have a doctors appointment coming up this Friday. They might give me a pelvic exam to make sure my ph balance has corrected itself with the medication I've been taking. If you are wondering this past Sunday I had to go to the emergency room because I was experiencing strong stomach pains. So to be safe that I wasn't going into premature labor and that Haren was okay I got checked out. They did a pelvic exam and discover I had bacterial vaginosis. If you don't know what causes BV I'll tell you. BV is caused by having sex, douching, or using scented soap. More information on BV, is that BV is where there is more bad bacteria than good bacteria (as in the ph balance has been thrown off). Moving along, they prescribed me medication called metronidazole (500mg). I have to take these twice a day for 7 days. To be honest, these pills are disgusting and I wish I didn't have to take them. 'But if I don't I would be harming myself and Haren. In pregnant women, BV can cause low birth weight and premature labor. It can also cause infertility in the uterus. If you want to learn more go look it up on google. Anyways, besides me having BV... I sense Haren may come early. I was a early baby, I was suppose to be due on December 15th but decided I wanted to come a week or so early. My mom got prescribed medication to stop labor but then she decided to stop taking the pills. She said she learned from other women taking the medication that it caused them to be over due (one of them was over due by a month or two yikes). So with how early I came and with the fact I've already dropped and he's head down. I think Haren might come out a week early or two. I just hopes he waits till he passes 36 weeks. So that way his lungs would be fully developed by then. On another note, apparently I can choose up to 3 people to be in the delivery room with me. Michael would be one of the 3 in the room so that means there is 2 spots open. If you ask me it's a tough choice considering there is 4 people wanting to be in the room too. Alesha is one, my mom, Michael's ex step mom Kathy, and Michael's mom. My mom can't be back there for the simple fact Michael and her don't get along. Though if I was to let Michael's mom back there and not my mom. My mom would be heart broken by it. So Michael's mom and my mom can't be back there for the simple fact I don't want to hurt either of their feelings. If I think about it not letting both of them back there probably would still hurt them but I'm just being fair. If you think about it, if I let one of them back there and not the other it would hurt more than not letting both of them back there. My sister with how weird it is that she wants to be back there. I don't see a problem with it at all. My sister and I have gotten a lot closer in the past year. Also, I know for a fact without her telling me she would want me in the room with her when she's in labor. So it would only be right if I let her come back there. Kathy... Eh not comfortable with her being there but I don't want to hurt her feelings. She's done a lot for Michael and I. More than our own parents. I just hope by the time I have my next child. Michael and my mom have fixed things and can get along. So that way, Michael's mom and my mom can both be back there. Why things has to be so difficult in life? Moving on from that depressing subject. I just can't wait to greet my son into this world. :) I keep thinking about what life would be like as he gets older. I know things would get hard raising him but the little things he does showing he loves and cares for his daddy and mommy counts the most. I'm defiantly going to show him everyday of his life how much I love him. I'm always going to be by his side when he needs a hand. I'm going to teach him everything I've learned in my life so he can achieve happiness. I just hope he understand no matter how much he's mad at me.... how much he means to me and I wouldn't change him for anyone or anything in the world. Haren Ademaro Armstrong knowing you can hear and feel what I feel I just want to let you know with all my heart Mommy Loves You and Don't Forget That! <3

See what I mean I don't look 8 months huh? Though I do got to say I'm lucky all the weight I've gained (went from 134lbs to 159lbs). Is just baby weight and I thought as well as others I was gonna get fat. Just like how my mom did when she got pregnant her first time.

If you look closely enough my baby bump is slanted on one side and my belly button is slowly popping out. Which Monica's mom Lisa says when the belly button pops then oven is done cooking lol. Can you see which side he's on though?

   

Fin

I'm soo glad Fin is still alive and doing great. So, it turns out it wasn't a virus... The vet said he would get sick before he gets better (which may I remind you we didn't have money to confirm it was a virus.) Well he didn't get sick.. he actually gotten better. He's very playful and friendly. Like if you're not careful he'll sneak up in you and jump on your feet. It's looks so cute when he jumps like a rabbit. I just love playing with him and watching Lily (Monica's sister's cat) finally warming up to him and being his playing buddy. He's eating well.. he's actually gaining weight to where you don't feel his bones anymore. Though we got to make sure he get plenty of water (force feed him with a syringe and mix his food with water) to regulate his body temperature. He doesn't like water (I think its because we've gave him baths) but he'll drink his kitty formula which is good. His formula has 4,000 calories and other good stuff for him. His stool is solid and he's peeing a good amount. His eyes have also cleared up and has more color to them. Now, since it wasn't a virus... I narrowed it down to parasites and fleas. I think that's what killed his sisters Reese and Tigerbell. If I would of know they gotten more fleas (hundreds) after giving them 2 baths in a row ( the house they were in before was infested with fleas because of the other 9 animals living there.) I could of gave them another flea bath and saved Reese and Tigerbell but its too late now. I would have to be happy with the fact I was able to save at least one of the three kittens.

Fin before the vet... He looks sick don't he?

 

Fin after the vet... Don't he look so peacful sleeping and look healthy?

 

Done Being Pregers!

Ugh, I wish my son would come out of me already. The more I feel him move around, the more I want to hold him but can't. HAREN ADEMARO ARMSTRONG GET OUT OF ME TUMMY!! I wants my baby boy... I wanna see how handsome you look. I wanna see how you would act. I even want to see you sleeping on your daddy's chest. I know it would feel like a bitch going into labor but its going to be worth it to finally have you in my arms. Holding you skin to skin creating that bond and watching you find your way to my chest and you begin to breastfeed. Ugh, why son.... why you have to torture mommy like this. I know most women would be like get out of ma belly and then once they are out. They like I liked it better when you was in my tummy but not me. I wanna see you grow old even though its gonna be hard throughout the years. 'But I have faith everything is gonna turn out just fine. I love you son and can't wait to greet you into this world. Ma belly still itches I guess that means you're growing. Which reminds me you are gonna be a skinny baby but a tall one. I remember being 4 months and the lady tells me you're 10 inches long and 4 ounces during the ultrasound. Gawh, I bet you are at least 20 inches long now since you are always finding yourself in my ribs, which by the way is uncomfortable when I sit down. I think you might weigh at least 6 pounds and 4 ounces by the time you are born. They say Spetember 20th is my due date but I sense you are gonna come sooner than that. I don't know we'll have to see.

Awh look at you trying yo suck your thumb or finger at 4 months.

 

I can't tell if he looks more like me or his daddy... mmmm..

 

 

 

RIP Reese and Tigerbell :'(

About a week ago I took in three stray kittens. Two females I named Reese and Tigerbell and a male Michael named Fin. Everything started out okay with them. They hissed at people and other animals out of fear. They ate, drank, played with each other and somehow knew how to use a litter box. I eventually went (not to long ago) to stay at Monica's house for a while and took the kittens with me. They ended up not hissing anymore at people or animals. They became more relaxed and seemed more happy. They did try to keep their distance from the dog and cat at Monica's house. They were comfortable to be around people. We kept them feed, kept water in their bowl, and let them explore around the house. We did everything right but all a sudden today we discovered Reese and Tigerbell dead sprawled out on the bed. We didn't see this coming we thought they were doing fine, at least we thought. Poor Fin when we discovered this, he was laying on Reese all depressed. We decided to take him to the vet to make sure he was fine. After checking him out, the vet said he had a temperature of 104 degrees and was dehydrated. They said he could have a virus and needs a test that cost 173.25. If turned out positive they would admit him and put him on IV fluids and give him antibiotics. We didn't have the money for the test or to even admit him so they gave us a alternative. Which was to give him de-worming medication and to send us home with antibiotics that he's suppose to take twice a day. All we can do is hope the medication helps him fight off this virus. If it doesn't at least we tried to get him help. I hope we don't lose Fin like we did Reese and Tigerbell. :"(

Reese

Tigerbell

Words Unspoken

Have you ever felt that there was things left unsaid that you feel it is needed to be brought into light? Though the sad reality of it is you can't say anything to them about it for there will be consequences. Especially if the person holds a deep resent or grudge against you for some reason and would much rather be left alone by you. This has been laying heavy on my shoulders for a while... well ever since I got pregnant. Being pregnant now somehow brings me back to that night where I lost something precious... my first child. I even did some research to see what the possibilities for a miscarriage could be. It is said that most early (first trimester) miscarriages are nature's way of dealing with a pregnancy resulting from a flawed ovum or sperm, or pregnancy in which these cells joined incorrectly and could not develop normally. Factors that raise the chances of an early miscarriage include poor nutrition, environmental pollution or exposure to toxic substances, smoking, pelvic inflammatory disease, and infections such as chlamydia. Others things such as hormonal abnormalities or immunological problems could cause a miscarriage as well. What I believe what happened is that his and my cells didn't joined correctly. Resulting from me smoking and drinking alcohol (when I drank I didn't know at the time). So this means it was my fault I lost our child. In this book I read, it says it is appropriate and necessary for both parents to grieve and talk about it. Which is something him and I never really did because it hurt us too much to talk about it. Now thinking about it I had things I needed to say but never had the courage to. All because I was afraid to bring it up for what may come of it. I knew if I was to bring it up I would break down and cry for hours. I probably would go into a serve depressive state to where I would just wanna die. I've only cried in the darkness all because I wanted to make people believe I was okay. When deep down I wasn't and holding back tears was a way to help deal with the pain. Anyways, since I got pregnant again I've been so worried about losing my son. I'm even worried about after I give birth to him. Heck, I had a dream last night that my nephew Zech had my son in the pool dunking him under the water. I came to my son's rescue and Zech just drops him in the pool all scared because of my reaction. I pulled my son above the water to find he taken in too much water and died. I don't want to lose another child for I know in my heart I wouldn't be able to take it. I would end my life when no one is looking. Moving on, being pregnant I've thought a lot about my first child I'd lost. Things I should have said and should have done. I should have been open about my feelings instead of locking them away thinking it was best. Not only for me but for him. Though now I see it wasn't... we should have talked about it and had a memorial for our child. Instead of sweeping it all under the carpet like it was nothing. I know if I would of told my family about me being pregnant at the time, knowing what the consequences could have been. Maybe our child would have the chance of surviving but I can't do anything now to bring our child back (its all in the past). All he and I can do is keep moving on like we've been doing. He has a child on the way and so do I. So I guess in  a way this all was meant to be (God's mysterious ways). Though I can't help but want to talk to him about it and I know I will never get the chance. So, I got to deal with my emotions like I've always had. Push them far in the back of my head, distract myself with anything and everything, and hope it would go a way with time. Also I can't lose focus of the things I need to do before my son comes. So I have to worry about the future more than the past.

Lost My Way

Ok I'll admit I have lost my way for a while. I've done things I'm not proud of and it eats me alive. I regret them and wish I could start life over and fix it all. 'But I was only given one life and I got to make the best of it. Though every human being makes mistakes so I guess it makes me human just like everyone else. The thing about making mistakes its to help us grow and become better people. Though I do know right from wrong but I'm a victim of my emotions just like everyone else. Good thing I have Michael around to help me realize these things. Not only that re-reading my physic overview I got a while back was an eye opener. I only hold myself back with my emotions....  I'm mentally unstable... Looking back on my past.... I've cried over it... It's bad enough that it creeps into my dreams. 'But reading my physic overview I have the power to change that and once I do... Things would only go up from here. Also in my physic overview I need to bring my talents to light and take chances because with my luck I'll achieve great things. Basically, I'll be rewarded for my past efforts though many wouldn't agree with it. All people see when they look in my direction is a self-centered bitch who has nothing better to do but talk shit. Well I'll admit I have been selfish in my past time from time because I felt no one saw who I really was and didn't appreciate my good efforts. I felt alone... abandoned.... I was spiraling down in my emotional fog. That I started to lose my way and no one was pulling me out of this dark hole I was falling in. I couldn't help myself, no matter how hard I tried to find a small bit of happiness; Friendship (which turned out to be very important to me), Family (who I felt distant towards which explain why friendship was important), people who I thought would be my true lover and could possibly heal me. 'But I couldn't find happiness because something always went wrong and I was back where I started but worse than before. I guess letting myself get too attach to people too early took its toll on me. It was bad enough to where, I was becoming bitter towards the world including to the ones I cared about. It got so bad I did horrible things to push them away. In a way, I felt it was best to save them from the pain I'll bring and save myself from getting hurt by them. So to speak feeling alone and abandoned by the ones I cared about made me think. Okay you don't want to try helping me or even see how far gone I've gotten or even to just be there for me even if you couldn't help.... I'll make myself a loner. Like many people say... Being alone isn't the worst thing in the world but feeling alone around others or being forgotten by those you still remember is the worst thing you can experience. My emotions was controlling me needless to say. I became so blinded because of my emotions. Every time I was hurt, it felt like the end of the world for me. It was so bad that thought of being a loner didn't sound good anymore. I started to think that killing myself is the only way to escape my emotions and everyone else. I do have to say I did become angry, resentful, spiteful, jealous, just basically hateful towards everything. I even wondered why me? Why do I have to live a life where I always feel like no ones understands me and I'm left feeling alone? Then I met Michael and he understood me better than anyone else. Only because he's been there and we took a chance on each other. We talk like best friends, we fight like husband & wife, we protect each other like brother & sister, and best of all we're lovers. All the negative feelings I had before is slowly but surely fading away. Though it does slip up every once in a while trying to gain back its control over me.... I do wish I had friends to hang with to break free from the home life before my son Haren Ademaro is born in September..... You know to help relieve some of my stress. To just have fun and forget about the rest because it would be nice to get out more often then I do now. Well for now, my mission is to learn to control my emotions and practice my talents more like my singing, guitar playing, and writing. Which these talents of mine was always a good outlet for me before I lost my way. So getting back into this would help me.

Also if you're reading this Salayna, I want to say sorry even though you hate my guts and probably won't ever forgive me. I can assure you this is not an attempt to mend the friendship we once upon a time had. I'm truly sorry for the pain I may have caused you. Also tell Kris and Kayla I said sorry too. I'll admit when I found out she was pregnant I became upset and a little jealous. I was jealous because I was the one to have a miscarriage and she didn't (not saying I wished death upon their child I would never do that, I love kids). 'But now I'm over it... I'm not upset anymore or jealous. I'm happy for them (Kris needed it to heal the wound of losing his first child) and wish the best for them and their child. Though I do have to say I know some of the things I said in the post sounded fucked up but I didn't mean it that way. I should have worded everything better and I only made the post mostly because I was voicing my concerns. Believe it or not I still care because if I didn't you guys wouldn't be popping up in my dreams. Or I wouldn't be checking up on you guys every once in a while making sure you're doing okay. Anyways, I'm gonna move on with life because I have bigger things to worry about (referring to my unborn son) and knowing you guys don't want anything to do with me (which I don't blame you). So again I'm sorry for the fucked up things I've done to you guys. I'll keep you guys in my prayers and wish you guys luck for the future.

Sorry

This is a little poem I wrote for all of the people I've hurt in my past weather if it was intentional or not. I know some things was a lie and I'm not saying sorry for some lie someone created to get back at me or for what ever reason. I'm saying sorry for the things I've done even if I know it or not and this poem fits best for every situation I was in to lose that person that meant something to me. Some people I lost just all a sudden stopped talking to me and I don't know the reason (going back to "even if I know it or not".) I have tried to fix things with each person I've lost but they either don't talk to me or tell me off. So here is the poem I wrote...

I know I've done wrong
Weather I know the cause or not
And there's nothing I can do
No time machine
Not even a wish on a shooting star
To go back to the past
And take it all back
Now I'm left with memories
Consuming my soul
Wishing things were different
But you keep shoving me away
I tell you things would be better
If I had that second chance
To mend what was broken
And show you my potential
To be the friend you deserve
And show you the good of my soul
You show me through your actions or words
I've hurt you too much
And that you can't handle it anymore
Scared of history to repeat
Scared of the pain I'll bring
But I promised you and this isn't a lie
It won't happen again
I just hope you'll see from the bottom of my heart
I'm very sorry