Lost My Way

Ok I'll admit I have lost my way for a while. I've done things I'm not proud of and it eats me alive. I regret them and wish I could start life over and fix it all. 'But I was only given one life and I got to make the best of it. Though every human being makes mistakes so I guess it makes me human just like everyone else. The thing about making mistakes its to help us grow and become better people. Though I do know right from wrong but I'm a victim of my emotions just like everyone else. Good thing I have Michael around to help me realize these things. Not only that re-reading my physic overview I got a while back was an eye opener. I only hold myself back with my emotions....  I'm mentally unstable... Looking back on my past.... I've cried over it... It's bad enough that it creeps into my dreams. 'But reading my physic overview I have the power to change that and once I do... Things would only go up from here. Also in my physic overview I need to bring my talents to light and take chances because with my luck I'll achieve great things. Basically, I'll be rewarded for my past efforts though many wouldn't agree with it. All people see when they look in my direction is a self-centered bitch who has nothing better to do but talk shit. Well I'll admit I have been selfish in my past time from time because I felt no one saw who I really was and didn't appreciate my good efforts. I felt alone... abandoned.... I was spiraling down in my emotional fog. That I started to lose my way and no one was pulling me out of this dark hole I was falling in. I couldn't help myself, no matter how hard I tried to find a small bit of happiness; Friendship (which turned out to be very important to me), Family (who I felt distant towards which explain why friendship was important), people who I thought would be my true lover and could possibly heal me. 'But I couldn't find happiness because something always went wrong and I was back where I started but worse than before. I guess letting myself get too attach to people too early took its toll on me. It was bad enough to where, I was becoming bitter towards the world including to the ones I cared about. It got so bad I did horrible things to push them away. In a way, I felt it was best to save them from the pain I'll bring and save myself from getting hurt by them. So to speak feeling alone and abandoned by the ones I cared about made me think. Okay you don't want to try helping me or even see how far gone I've gotten or even to just be there for me even if you couldn't help.... I'll make myself a loner. Like many people say... Being alone isn't the worst thing in the world but feeling alone around others or being forgotten by those you still remember is the worst thing you can experience. My emotions was controlling me needless to say. I became so blinded because of my emotions. Every time I was hurt, it felt like the end of the world for me. It was so bad that thought of being a loner didn't sound good anymore. I started to think that killing myself is the only way to escape my emotions and everyone else. I do have to say I did become angry, resentful, spiteful, jealous, just basically hateful towards everything. I even wondered why me? Why do I have to live a life where I always feel like no ones understands me and I'm left feeling alone? Then I met Michael and he understood me better than anyone else. Only because he's been there and we took a chance on each other. We talk like best friends, we fight like husband & wife, we protect each other like brother & sister, and best of all we're lovers. All the negative feelings I had before is slowly but surely fading away. Though it does slip up every once in a while trying to gain back its control over me.... I do wish I had friends to hang with to break free from the home life before my son Haren Ademaro is born in September..... You know to help relieve some of my stress. To just have fun and forget about the rest because it would be nice to get out more often then I do now. Well for now, my mission is to learn to control my emotions and practice my talents more like my singing, guitar playing, and writing. Which these talents of mine was always a good outlet for me before I lost my way. So getting back into this would help me.

Also if you're reading this Salayna, I want to say sorry even though you hate my guts and probably won't ever forgive me. I can assure you this is not an attempt to mend the friendship we once upon a time had. I'm truly sorry for the pain I may have caused you. Also tell Kris and Kayla I said sorry too. I'll admit when I found out she was pregnant I became upset and a little jealous. I was jealous because I was the one to have a miscarriage and she didn't (not saying I wished death upon their child I would never do that, I love kids). 'But now I'm over it... I'm not upset anymore or jealous. I'm happy for them (Kris needed it to heal the wound of losing his first child) and wish the best for them and their child. Though I do have to say I know some of the things I said in the post sounded fucked up but I didn't mean it that way. I should have worded everything better and I only made the post mostly because I was voicing my concerns. Believe it or not I still care because if I didn't you guys wouldn't be popping up in my dreams. Or I wouldn't be checking up on you guys every once in a while making sure you're doing okay. Anyways, I'm gonna move on with life because I have bigger things to worry about (referring to my unborn son) and knowing you guys don't want anything to do with me (which I don't blame you). So again I'm sorry for the fucked up things I've done to you guys. I'll keep you guys in my prayers and wish you guys luck for the future.