Done Being Pregers!

Ugh, I wish my son would come out of me already. The more I feel him move around, the more I want to hold him but can't. HAREN ADEMARO ARMSTRONG GET OUT OF ME TUMMY!! I wants my baby boy... I wanna see how handsome you look. I wanna see how you would act. I even want to see you sleeping on your daddy's chest. I know it would feel like a bitch going into labor but its going to be worth it to finally have you in my arms. Holding you skin to skin creating that bond and watching you find your way to my chest and you begin to breastfeed. Ugh, why son.... why you have to torture mommy like this. I know most women would be like get out of ma belly and then once they are out. They like I liked it better when you was in my tummy but not me. I wanna see you grow old even though its gonna be hard throughout the years. 'But I have faith everything is gonna turn out just fine. I love you son and can't wait to greet you into this world. Ma belly still itches I guess that means you're growing. Which reminds me you are gonna be a skinny baby but a tall one. I remember being 4 months and the lady tells me you're 10 inches long and 4 ounces during the ultrasound. Gawh, I bet you are at least 20 inches long now since you are always finding yourself in my ribs, which by the way is uncomfortable when I sit down. I think you might weigh at least 6 pounds and 4 ounces by the time you are born. They say Spetember 20th is my due date but I sense you are gonna come sooner than that. I don't know we'll have to see.

Awh look at you trying yo suck your thumb or finger at 4 months.

 

I can't tell if he looks more like me or his daddy... mmmm..

 

 

 

RIP Reese and Tigerbell :'(

About a week ago I took in three stray kittens. Two females I named Reese and Tigerbell and a male Michael named Fin. Everything started out okay with them. They hissed at people and other animals out of fear. They ate, drank, played with each other and somehow knew how to use a litter box. I eventually went (not to long ago) to stay at Monica's house for a while and took the kittens with me. They ended up not hissing anymore at people or animals. They became more relaxed and seemed more happy. They did try to keep their distance from the dog and cat at Monica's house. They were comfortable to be around people. We kept them feed, kept water in their bowl, and let them explore around the house. We did everything right but all a sudden today we discovered Reese and Tigerbell dead sprawled out on the bed. We didn't see this coming we thought they were doing fine, at least we thought. Poor Fin when we discovered this, he was laying on Reese all depressed. We decided to take him to the vet to make sure he was fine. After checking him out, the vet said he had a temperature of 104 degrees and was dehydrated. They said he could have a virus and needs a test that cost 173.25. If turned out positive they would admit him and put him on IV fluids and give him antibiotics. We didn't have the money for the test or to even admit him so they gave us a alternative. Which was to give him de-worming medication and to send us home with antibiotics that he's suppose to take twice a day. All we can do is hope the medication helps him fight off this virus. If it doesn't at least we tried to get him help. I hope we don't lose Fin like we did Reese and Tigerbell. :"(

Reese

Tigerbell

Words Unspoken

Have you ever felt that there was things left unsaid that you feel it is needed to be brought into light? Though the sad reality of it is you can't say anything to them about it for there will be consequences. Especially if the person holds a deep resent or grudge against you for some reason and would much rather be left alone by you. This has been laying heavy on my shoulders for a while... well ever since I got pregnant. Being pregnant now somehow brings me back to that night where I lost something precious... my first child. I even did some research to see what the possibilities for a miscarriage could be. It is said that most early (first trimester) miscarriages are nature's way of dealing with a pregnancy resulting from a flawed ovum or sperm, or pregnancy in which these cells joined incorrectly and could not develop normally. Factors that raise the chances of an early miscarriage include poor nutrition, environmental pollution or exposure to toxic substances, smoking, pelvic inflammatory disease, and infections such as chlamydia. Others things such as hormonal abnormalities or immunological problems could cause a miscarriage as well. What I believe what happened is that his and my cells didn't joined correctly. Resulting from me smoking and drinking alcohol (when I drank I didn't know at the time). So this means it was my fault I lost our child. In this book I read, it says it is appropriate and necessary for both parents to grieve and talk about it. Which is something him and I never really did because it hurt us too much to talk about it. Now thinking about it I had things I needed to say but never had the courage to. All because I was afraid to bring it up for what may come of it. I knew if I was to bring it up I would break down and cry for hours. I probably would go into a serve depressive state to where I would just wanna die. I've only cried in the darkness all because I wanted to make people believe I was okay. When deep down I wasn't and holding back tears was a way to help deal with the pain. Anyways, since I got pregnant again I've been so worried about losing my son. I'm even worried about after I give birth to him. Heck, I had a dream last night that my nephew Zech had my son in the pool dunking him under the water. I came to my son's rescue and Zech just drops him in the pool all scared because of my reaction. I pulled my son above the water to find he taken in too much water and died. I don't want to lose another child for I know in my heart I wouldn't be able to take it. I would end my life when no one is looking. Moving on, being pregnant I've thought a lot about my first child I'd lost. Things I should have said and should have done. I should have been open about my feelings instead of locking them away thinking it was best. Not only for me but for him. Though now I see it wasn't... we should have talked about it and had a memorial for our child. Instead of sweeping it all under the carpet like it was nothing. I know if I would of told my family about me being pregnant at the time, knowing what the consequences could have been. Maybe our child would have the chance of surviving but I can't do anything now to bring our child back (its all in the past). All he and I can do is keep moving on like we've been doing. He has a child on the way and so do I. So I guess in  a way this all was meant to be (God's mysterious ways). Though I can't help but want to talk to him about it and I know I will never get the chance. So, I got to deal with my emotions like I've always had. Push them far in the back of my head, distract myself with anything and everything, and hope it would go a way with time. Also I can't lose focus of the things I need to do before my son comes. So I have to worry about the future more than the past.

Lost My Way

Ok I'll admit I have lost my way for a while. I've done things I'm not proud of and it eats me alive. I regret them and wish I could start life over and fix it all. 'But I was only given one life and I got to make the best of it. Though every human being makes mistakes so I guess it makes me human just like everyone else. The thing about making mistakes its to help us grow and become better people. Though I do know right from wrong but I'm a victim of my emotions just like everyone else. Good thing I have Michael around to help me realize these things. Not only that re-reading my physic overview I got a while back was an eye opener. I only hold myself back with my emotions....  I'm mentally unstable... Looking back on my past.... I've cried over it... It's bad enough that it creeps into my dreams. 'But reading my physic overview I have the power to change that and once I do... Things would only go up from here. Also in my physic overview I need to bring my talents to light and take chances because with my luck I'll achieve great things. Basically, I'll be rewarded for my past efforts though many wouldn't agree with it. All people see when they look in my direction is a self-centered bitch who has nothing better to do but talk shit. Well I'll admit I have been selfish in my past time from time because I felt no one saw who I really was and didn't appreciate my good efforts. I felt alone... abandoned.... I was spiraling down in my emotional fog. That I started to lose my way and no one was pulling me out of this dark hole I was falling in. I couldn't help myself, no matter how hard I tried to find a small bit of happiness; Friendship (which turned out to be very important to me), Family (who I felt distant towards which explain why friendship was important), people who I thought would be my true lover and could possibly heal me. 'But I couldn't find happiness because something always went wrong and I was back where I started but worse than before. I guess letting myself get too attach to people too early took its toll on me. It was bad enough to where, I was becoming bitter towards the world including to the ones I cared about. It got so bad I did horrible things to push them away. In a way, I felt it was best to save them from the pain I'll bring and save myself from getting hurt by them. So to speak feeling alone and abandoned by the ones I cared about made me think. Okay you don't want to try helping me or even see how far gone I've gotten or even to just be there for me even if you couldn't help.... I'll make myself a loner. Like many people say... Being alone isn't the worst thing in the world but feeling alone around others or being forgotten by those you still remember is the worst thing you can experience. My emotions was controlling me needless to say. I became so blinded because of my emotions. Every time I was hurt, it felt like the end of the world for me. It was so bad that thought of being a loner didn't sound good anymore. I started to think that killing myself is the only way to escape my emotions and everyone else. I do have to say I did become angry, resentful, spiteful, jealous, just basically hateful towards everything. I even wondered why me? Why do I have to live a life where I always feel like no ones understands me and I'm left feeling alone? Then I met Michael and he understood me better than anyone else. Only because he's been there and we took a chance on each other. We talk like best friends, we fight like husband & wife, we protect each other like brother & sister, and best of all we're lovers. All the negative feelings I had before is slowly but surely fading away. Though it does slip up every once in a while trying to gain back its control over me.... I do wish I had friends to hang with to break free from the home life before my son Haren Ademaro is born in September..... You know to help relieve some of my stress. To just have fun and forget about the rest because it would be nice to get out more often then I do now. Well for now, my mission is to learn to control my emotions and practice my talents more like my singing, guitar playing, and writing. Which these talents of mine was always a good outlet for me before I lost my way. So getting back into this would help me.

Also if you're reading this Salayna, I want to say sorry even though you hate my guts and probably won't ever forgive me. I can assure you this is not an attempt to mend the friendship we once upon a time had. I'm truly sorry for the pain I may have caused you. Also tell Kris and Kayla I said sorry too. I'll admit when I found out she was pregnant I became upset and a little jealous. I was jealous because I was the one to have a miscarriage and she didn't (not saying I wished death upon their child I would never do that, I love kids). 'But now I'm over it... I'm not upset anymore or jealous. I'm happy for them (Kris needed it to heal the wound of losing his first child) and wish the best for them and their child. Though I do have to say I know some of the things I said in the post sounded fucked up but I didn't mean it that way. I should have worded everything better and I only made the post mostly because I was voicing my concerns. Believe it or not I still care because if I didn't you guys wouldn't be popping up in my dreams. Or I wouldn't be checking up on you guys every once in a while making sure you're doing okay. Anyways, I'm gonna move on with life because I have bigger things to worry about (referring to my unborn son) and knowing you guys don't want anything to do with me (which I don't blame you). So again I'm sorry for the fucked up things I've done to you guys. I'll keep you guys in my prayers and wish you guys luck for the future.

Sorry

This is a little poem I wrote for all of the people I've hurt in my past weather if it was intentional or not. I know some things was a lie and I'm not saying sorry for some lie someone created to get back at me or for what ever reason. I'm saying sorry for the things I've done even if I know it or not and this poem fits best for every situation I was in to lose that person that meant something to me. Some people I lost just all a sudden stopped talking to me and I don't know the reason (going back to "even if I know it or not".) I have tried to fix things with each person I've lost but they either don't talk to me or tell me off. So here is the poem I wrote...

I know I've done wrong
Weather I know the cause or not
And there's nothing I can do
No time machine
Not even a wish on a shooting star
To go back to the past
And take it all back
Now I'm left with memories
Consuming my soul
Wishing things were different
But you keep shoving me away
I tell you things would be better
If I had that second chance
To mend what was broken
And show you my potential
To be the friend you deserve
And show you the good of my soul
You show me through your actions or words
I've hurt you too much
And that you can't handle it anymore
Scared of history to repeat
Scared of the pain I'll bring
But I promised you and this isn't a lie
It won't happen again
I just hope you'll see from the bottom of my heart
I'm very sorry

DRUGS!!

"Hello, my name is DRUGS - I destroy homes, tear families apart, take your children, and that's just the start. I'm more costly than diamonds, more costly than gold, the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold. and if you need me, remember I'm easily found, I live all around you, in schools and in town. I live with the rich, I live with the poor, I live down the street, and maybe next door. My power is awesome; try me you'll see, but if you do, you may NEVER break free. Just try me once and I might let you go, but try me twice, and I'll own your soul. When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie. You do what you have to just to get high. The crimes you'll commit, for my narcotic charms will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in my arms. You'll lie to your mother; you'll steal from your dad. When you see their tears, you should feel sad. 'But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised, I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways. I take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from god, and separate friends. I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride, I'll be with you always, right by your side. You'll give up everything... your family, your home... your friends, your money, then you'll be alone. I'll take and take, till you have nothing more to give. When I'm finished with you you'll be lucky to live. If you try me be warned this is no game. If given the chance, I'll drive you insane. I'll ravish your body; I'll control your mind. I'll own you completely; your soul will be mine. The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed, the voices you'll hear from inside your head, the sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see; I want you to know, these are all gifts from me, But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart, that you are mine, and we shall not part. You'll regret that you tried me, they always do, but you came to me, not I to you. You knew this would happen. Many times you were told, but you challenged my power, and chose to be bold. You could have said no, and just walked away, If you could live that day over, now what would you say? I'll be your master; you will be my slave, I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave. Now that you have met me , what will you do? Will you try me or not? Its all up to you. I can bring you more misery than words can tell. Come take my hand, LET ME LEAD YOU TO HELL!!" -Unknown

I believe every word of this to be true because I've tried drugs and it did practically only that to me. It broke me, broke my relationships, and screwed up my schooling. If I could go back I would have never started it in the first place. 'But what's done is done and I can't take it back. Luckily, I got off the drugs and I'm trying to rebuild my life again. To make a better and a new start in my life. I'm proud of myself and others are too proud of me for my achievement. I'm never going back because I don't want history to repeat itself. I don't ever want to go back to it ever. I don't care how tempted I get or who tries to temp me, I won't do it. For others that does drugs or is thinking about doing it... trust me it's not worth the pain it brings. The one that does drugs go get help and make a new beginning. Your life will shine brighter without the drugs because it will only bring you down.

Psychic Reading

My dear Alison,

As your advisor and spiritual guide and because I am concerned about your happiness, I have undertaken this Emergency Priority Reading for the next few months for you. As you know, if you called on me one day it wasn’t by chance. If you contacted me it was because deep down you felt that I could help you and show you the road to follow.

My aim is to advise you and guide you in this extraordinary adventure of the search for happiness. And one thing is sure, you can’t do this alone. That’s why I am here for you’ll need that help, I know. You are going through a difficult time right now in the sense that your emotiveness is getting you into trouble and you are a little lost in the middle of this emotional fog.

As a result, you are unable to make the right and objective decisions for your near future. The least error of appreciation or judgment could have unfortunate consequences for your personal fulfillment. So it is important for you and your well-being to be careful of the choices and decisions you make.

Alison, as soon as I started working on your current situation I focused for a long time on your last name and your first name, Alison and on your horoscope. Then I let the energies invade me and entrust their message and feeling about your psychic situation. I spread a deck of tarot cards before me and let the heavenly energies guide me to choose a few of them.

An intense flow of emotions of all types took “possession” of my body. It was as though I was “entering” your psychic being and I felt all your sensations, good or bad.

First I felt a deep emotional unease. I think there is a real conflict between your energies but on the other hand I also felt that this could very quickly be solved in a very short time. Today you are in the middle of this emotional conflict. You call into question all your feelings and relationships, perhaps because you feel you have done too much in vain. And this may very well be the case. You are exhausted and as a result doubt the true nature of everything and everyone at the same time. Concentrating further, I also felt a deep resentment. Has someone betrayed you or disappointed you? I think that the expression of this anger confirms what I felt and what I am explaining. You let your emotions and feelings get the best of you and this isn’t the best attitude to adopt. This saddens you and eats away at you in particular and it entirely skews your judgment and your assessment of people and life!

Alison, before getting down to brass tacks and telling you in detail of what you can expect in the next few weeks and months, an overview of the situation is required:

Excess emotiveness and sensitivity never does anyone any good, on the contrary. Anger and hate alter the person harboring these emotions. It is essential to know how to let go and take a step back. It is necessary sometimes to call oneself into question. If you are disappointed by someone it is perhaps because you were expecting too much from that person. You undoubtedly know the proverb “If you want something done right, do it yourself”. Be tolerant and understanding; you have more important things to do than judging others and worrying about it. Because I can assure you, happier days on are on their way, and quickly!

Your zodiacal conjunction is about to change. Many opportunities will rise in your sky and this will be time to get things moving. Luck will enter in several areas of your life and more particularly as love is concerned. I insist on this aspect of your personality for I know you are a loving person and that it is your emotions that govern your life. I hate to say this but this is going to have to change because otherwise you risk reproducing certain past failures.

That is why I ask that you very carefully read these predictions that I have drawn up for you. Then I’ll have other important revelations for you and which you surely don’t expect. So for each important subject of your life, I drew a tarot card. And here is what the oracles have revealed to me about your future:

LOVE – RELATIONSHIPS - WORK:

As I briefly explained, you are in a period of self-doubt and self-questioning. You wonder about your relationships with others and about the quality of those relationships. You ask yourself what is your real role within your circle of friends, your family or your couple. Don’t fear, happy days are soon to come but first there are a few thresholds to cross.

Your current situation:

When I turned over the first card, I immediately became aware of the importance of your emotional life and relationships. I drew major arcanum number 13, Temperance. This card seems to indicate that you should be patient rather than hurry things too quickly. Today you think that things aren’t moving quickly enough. You feel that you are in a sort of “waiting room”. You are waiting and this situation weighs on you for you would like things to be better. This card suggests that even if you think that things aren’t moving forward they are moving according to the vast plan that Destiny has in store for you.

Alison, you should consider the next few months and next few weeks to be a phase of slow but constant evolution that will contribute to a more balanced emotional life and relationship.

Alison, this card also taught me many other things about your love life. You are in the middle of an emotional storm. You are fighting body and soul to give all your love to others but you have the impression that you don’t get what you deserve. You are a loving person and you need recognition to feel fulfilled. You deserve this recognition and you feel you deserve it. You’re right, you do. However, you don’t get in return as much as you give and feel this as a shortfall. Something is missing for you to feel really good. It’s a little like you were missing a limb.

This draw also enabled me to distinguish the person you are. You are sensitive and highly emotional. As soon as you feel you are not getting the recognition you deserve you freeze and close up to others. You close yourself in your bubble and position yourself as a victim. As result you don’t even see the signs of affection people show you.

I understand your reaction. It simply shows your pain and suffering. I think that if you’ve reached this point it’s because you were heartily disappointed in the past. You’ve been trapped by your own personality. You have been a victim of your own overflow of affection. You see goodness everywhere and don’t doubt for a second that some people can be grasping and scornful.

Now it’s time for this to stop and for you to find the right balance of your emotions and feelings. You have to find the right balance between throwing yourself headlong into a situation and closing up. You have to balance your sense of sharing and know how to see who deserves your affection and who does not. It is time that you know how to dose the quantity of love you give according to the love you receive.

Future development

I drew the Ace of Swords. Once again my first impressions were right. This card is a very good omen and reinforces that sensation I felt during my “meditation”. You are entering a new life cycle. The Ace of Swords symbolizes this new cycle. This card suggests courage, determination, will. It is a success card if you stand firm and adopt a resolutely positive attitude. Certain success awaits you if make the decision to have things change and evolve towards a better future.

Alison, all the past efforts will now be rewarded both at work and in love. I see a real step up on the ladder of happiness and success. You will open up and will be considered for your true value. You will also earn respect and recognition.

Emotionally, because I know this is your main concern, you will be more lucid and clear-sighted. Your emotional sensitivity will be more balanced and this will make you more aware of the moods and states of mind of others. You will strongly feel the emotional energy given off by the people around you such as anger, sadness, joy, envy, jealousy etc. You’ll intuitively know what others think and feel. That is why you will be able to avoid being around people with negative thoughts with respect to you and who can influence you in a harmful way.

As a result, you will know how to surround yourself with the right people and receive the love you deserve… and that you need. This will allow you to fulfill yourself and accordingly gain in self-assurance and self-confidence. You will be more open because you will be happier. And people will never tire of your company, on the contrary! Your charm will leave no one indifferent.

Thanks to these new capabilities for clear-sightedness and wisdom, your ideal and reality will tend to balance out harmoniously in your love life. As a result you will be in an excellent psychic position to think about their reciprocal relationship. This will be the time to ask yourself how you “ideally” see your life. You may thus know how to act so that your ideal becomes your reality…

In addition, the planetary configuration with the influence of the moon in your zodiac suggests an increase in your power of attraction. Yes, you will feel like tasting all the pleasures of life and living every moment to the full. Benefiting from an intoxicating intense aura, it won’t be difficult for you to please and seduce. Be careful, though, of giving too much all at once. Remember, it is essential that you think first of your personal well-being before “sacrificing” yourself for others…

LUCK

Alison, change is in the air. Yes I drew the 3 of Swords upside down for you. This card seems to indicate that the period of “rest”, of standstill is at an end. It is time to start again and devote all your energy and thoughts to new projects, a new job, or a new activity.

This card means: “Wake up because now the time for action has come”. This card suggests to me to tell you that you must absolutely “move” and adopt a constructive and positive attitude. You have within you all the capabilities to do what you want or what you would like to do. Move forward, the next months will be propitious to new undertakings, new meetings…

In my opinion, and I’m almost certain, luck will enter your life through the front door! You will be rewarded for your past efforts. Divine Providence watches over you and wants to crown you with the success you deserve!

This will be an excellent period to try to bring some of your projects to fruition even if this seemed impossible in the past. You are protected by your lucky star and luck will thus be on your side.

Opportunities to increase your centers interest will be plenty whether this concerns your professional life or cooperation with an influential person could also happen and enable you to make a huge leap forward. This may be the time to widen your circle of friends or get closer to achieving your personal ambitions.

Alison, everything points to a great many opportunities arising for you, opportunities undoubtedly under the sign of luck and success. If you act “intelligently” and with wisdom everything could simply fall at your feet!

MONEY

I drew the Page of Swords in its normal position which seems to indicate that during the next few months you’ll benefit from several strokes of luck. This card always announces news you did not expect: a bonus, a windfall, winnings. When I concentrated on this card I perceived good news that would arrive in your mailbox. And if I continue to refer the impressions I felt, I definitely see events bringing certain and undoubtedly positive changes to your life.

However, despite this possible influx of money, you should always act with care and reflection. Don’t make spontaneous purchases or “throw money out the window”. Make sure you always make wise choices that prove beneficial for you and your well being.

Keep in mind that you must always make an effort to obtain what one wants. What I mean is that despite this unexpected windfall, you must also show your self-sufficiency and make efforts to preserve this “purse”. It is by counting on you and only on you that you will create your financial capital.