Feel Like Breaking Down! :'(

I honestly don't know what to say..... Well I guess I can start off with how as of late a lot as been going through my mind. Not good stuff either may I add. I try to put all this negativity in the back of my mind but it seems to keep surfacing. My nightmares consist of Michael dying (in car accidents) and I'm left alone to face and world and struggling really bad. Can't forget to include how before the nightmares. I would see things on my Facebook about death. Then all the sudden after these dreams Michael would have car troubles. It's weird it's like death is trying so hard to take him but God is saying no. It's confusing and scary. Now, I'm left to worry about him every time he gets in his car and leaves. The other dreams are about past choices I've made that I am not proud of and deeply regret. It's like watching a replay of my life. Sometimes in these dreams I see things playing out differently which causing my life going down a different path. Other times my dreams are about people I've lost due to my stupidity and not being a good person. Missing them... wishing things would be different but I wake up knowing nothing will ever change which brings pain to my heart (to the point I can't breathe). It makes me hate myself more than before. So bad to the point I want to cut myself off for the world to prevent myself from hurting more people I care about. It's like if I had a time machine I would go back in time and leave a note for myself so I wouldn't make the mistakes I've made in life. Not only that to help others around me to so they can try to better their lives. Heck sometimes I wish I could restart life over and forget this life and somehow manage to remain a loner to avoid hurting others and myself. Or I can just simply forget it all. Not only my dreams been eating me alive. Things lately hasn't been going so good. There is a lot of arguing not only with Michael and I but with everyone else. Though most of the things are just petty stuff. I honestly don't know how long Michael and I can keep doing this. Its either we are gonna cut ties off with people who have been pissing us off lately. Or Michael and I break up and I go back to my dad's with Haren. Don't get me wrong I love Michael to death and would want nothing more to stay with him and continue our little family. 'But sometimes I don't know anymore. I wish things would be easier but all I can do is hope and pray things will get better.

Vlog #1

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZsQEkwqMXhY&feature=youtube_gdata_player 

OK I messed up and said Haren was 21 1/3 in long when he was actually 20 1/3 in long.

Music...

Well lately I've been kind of snooping on a old friend's YouTube page listening to the music they've been posting. Which I love one of their songs called Old Days. It's a song that everyone can relate to. It pulls at your emotions and really gets you thinking about life. Not only that, I have their song stuck in my head (I will admit I have caught myself either singing or humming it). It has inspired me to not only do better in life but to write music again. I miss sitting down with my guitar and writing lyrics down on a piece of paper. It was a good outlet for me. It helped me cope with my emotions in a healthy way. Through my writing its has also made me realize a few things too. It was like opening a door to who I really am and changing that person for the better. Writing wasn't only therapeutic for me. People were also able to relate to my music. Which made me feel like I was making a bit of difference. Well... I'm gonna go and take of my son. He needs to be burped. :3

Better Days!

I finally got out of the funk I was in. I feel better mentally and emotionally. I need to remind myself to not hold onto the past or it will destroy me. I need focus on the present and look forward to my future. I need to worry about taking care of Haren and being a good role model for him. Be the person I want him to grow up to be. Kind, forgiving, regret and guilt free, hopeful, smart, funny, careful but caring, peace maker, protector, strong will, independent, social, helpful, generous, selfless, honest.... and happy. Not only be a good role model. I must teach him life lessons I've picked up through my years. Most of all be there for him. He's my sunshine. My relationship with Michael has gotten better. He has more control on his anger. He is more open minded and less controlling but he'll always be protective. Not only he changed for the better. I have too and we couldn't have done it without each other. I feel blessed in my life and I shall never forget that. On Feb. 16th is our 2 year anniversary. I can't wait to see what Michael has in store for me. So far, for my birthday he got me a Reggie purse and a tablet. This Saturday he is taking me out for my birthday dinner at a Asian restaurant. I wonder what I'll get for Christmas. Soo much excitement! Ugh can't wait to marry Michael. Then I'll be Mrs. Armstrong!! My life is slowly falling into place. I can officially say I'm happy. Though it would be nice to have friends to spend time with. Oh well... If I have friends from my past wanting to patch things up. I'll gladly accept them back into my life... With caution though.... Just to be on the safe side. I don't want to get hurt. I will be on the look out for new friends too. I'm serious about who I let into my life. I have a son and I'm too old for drama. Well, singing off. Bye!

Losing!

How many more people I care about I'm going to lose? I tired of this happening. It make me feel like crap. What makes it worse is when I didn't do anything wrong. Makes me wonder how important I really am to them. If I'm even worth it enough to keep around. Its like I'm cursed or something. Am I suppose to be loner or what? Is there something about me I don't see. I know I've lied before but I've changed that. All I ever do now is try to help people but it never works. Am I not doing enough for them? I just want to stop losing people close to me but I don't know how to end it.

Trying To Forget!

You what bugs me the most, is thinking or even dreaming about someone you are trying to forget or already have forgotten. There has been one person in particular, I can't stop dreaming about. It's like when I think I've forgotten about them. They pop up in my dreams like a parasite reminding me of the things that was said and done between us. Not only that the dreams are things I know that would never happen. At first in my dreams, we got into a fight with Michael and their fellow friends being there. Then after that, each dream has consisted of us making up and being best friends like old times. I don't know what any of this means.... Like do they think about me? Do they or I miss the friendship we once had with them.... Or if they or I wish things never happen the way it did... Or that they or I wish we could be friends again??? Do they even have the same dreams as me? I don't know and I wish I knew the answer to it all. I just hope these dreams I have of them ends eventually. I'm tired of being reminded of how bad I screwed up. 'But I guess it is what I deserve, right?

Haren Ademaro Armstrong! :)

Haren is of now; a month, three weeks, and three days old! He's getting so big!!

 

 

Daddy and son!

 

Feeding from boob lol.

Having a good dream. He's probably dreaming about boobs. haha

Getting aggressive with feeding off of boob lol. XD

Binkie!!

Mean muggin'.

Mr. Happy

 

BIG SMILE!

Cat (Aries) sleeping with Haren.

Mr. Smiley! :)

"MMM?"

"What are you doing mommy?"

Look at that tounge!

Mr. Curious